“That’s why we stand, why we bow and why we speak quietly. And that is also why we ask G‑d for what we want. Being G‑d-centered doesn’t mean not speaking up; it can mean speaking up and sticking out your neck for something bigger than yourself. It means mustering up the effort needed to make the world a better place, a dwelling for G‑d.” Rochel Holzkenner
Every time I write your name I ask myself why tradition forbids me to write it in full, then I remember that the reason is that it could be erased by my computer cursor, or the paper I wrote it on could be torn, and I would be sorry to see that. So I decide I'll write your name G@d, because the @ reminds me of a hug.
G@d of my life, not only can I not deduct letters from Your name, but I want to thank You for all the blessings You have given me, to grow them in me and to pour them into Your world.
Maybe You will say, you have always done this, and I do not say this with presumption or to make myself big, eh! In fact, you are right, I have always done it, by placing the needs of others - at least as expressed by them - before me. I think because I was an I, the daughter of many I's, not of an Us. But my soul was not content to behave as an I, using riches as an end in itself, never experiencing joy. I sought you in people, I sought an ideal to live that Us in an open, cooperative, caring, secure way.
Perhaps so much desire to build an Us has led me to marry twice. The first time I was very young and we were blessed with a marvellous creature. Instinctively keeping looking to identify my I, my path became more and more like an obstacle course, fiery, icy, risky, incomprehensible, it left marks on me. In the light of today, I see that marriage, in all its generosity, as a transformation of a painful nostalgia into a commitment to justice.
After the tragic end of that part of my life, my womanhood sought a higher purpose, my search for an Us developed more and more in a sense of mutual, honest solidarity towards the healing of the whole, and how much we needed that! This kind of energy led me in time to my second marriage. The reality immediately following was one of shocking abandonment. At that point I had the choice between two opposite ways: to react, chasing a ghost who would throw pins in my eyes, or to act, opening the beautiful eyes that You have granted me into beauty, study, joy and commitment, to cultivate the fertile land around the craters that I must always be careful to avoid. A good soil that, thanks to You, I have sown for myself and for Us, that very important Us that is my daughter and I, even if the timing is a bit out of sync, but... Oy. And then this Us has even been increased!
After twelve years, the time has come to be completely for myself, please G@d, help me. I've kindly asked him to sign the divorce papers, but so far I've had some difficulties. I claim my freedom from this hollow and unjust bond. I am ready to do whatever I must for it. Will you remember me?
Thank You, Lior