Hoshaanà Rabbà 21 of Tishrí 5784, 6 October 2023
Oh how the theme of the Musaf Yom Kippur study session led by Student-Rabbin Matt Turchin a few days ago at the West London Synagogue of British Jews spoke to my heart! It was titled "Back to the Past: Looking to the Past to Build Our Future: The Good Old Days? Let's see if nostalgia is a positive exercise or a sentimental trap. On a day devoted to reflection and growth, is it as simple as choosing between looking backwards and moving into the future?
Wow. This session helped me finally implementing the circumcision of my heart. It helped me release and say bye-bye to my mental and emotional confusion. A confusion stemming from the time spent in my birth family and then always near it, where a kind of mud was mixing the principles of responsibility, justice and sincerity, with the deception and convenience seen as the only possibility.
My rational mind and my pragmatism were afraid to express themselves in my personal life, perhaps because they were used to being crushed in the very family environment that I saw as a respected judge/guide. Thank God, however, I 'found' early in my life people who helped me to mend my emotions, specialists in that holistic world that opened the channels of creativity for me, people who, however, also 'saw' me and, if appropriate, supported me in my entrepreneurial sphere.
On the wonderful day at WLS, Rabbi Turchin reported this parable as told by Rabbi Micah Streiffer:
“Once, there were two builders - one wish and one foolish. They were on a journey to a job site in a faraway town, and each one carried his tool belt with him as they made their way. As night approached, the builders felt weary and stopped at an inn to sleep. Since they were afraid of thieves, they placed their tools belts under their beds for the night. In the morning, they woke up at daybreak and quickly made their way down the road toward the job site, forgetting to take the tools with them.
They only realised their mistake several hours later, when they were already close to their destination. What to do? Well, the foolish builder said " Quickly! Let's press on, for we have so much work to do today." And he continued down the road toward the job site.
But the wiser of the two turned back. He said "What good will it do to us now to hurry, since we are empty-handed? The more sensible thing is to find our tools, so that we may build successfully."
Now papa, I am talking to you.
I have probably always had mild autism. Since I could not find a dialogue with you even on the rational level, I had asked God to help me build on the emotional level to gain a sense of balance, an awareness and a standing among you, with the aim of being able to fulfill my duty and my enjoyment as a daughter and sister. And God helped me, B'H'.
Yet kindness is taken for weakness, respect given to my older siblings is mistaken as carte blanche to everything they want about their parents, who are also mine. My openness to all of you, that I expressed many times in the only way I could, sincerity, was squashed in a mechanism of supporting each other in order not to grow beyond sorrow, disappointment and anger, or simply material selfishness.
Ok, you have chosen my siblings over me. I still love you. But you have no idea how much worse than that has been to me your complaining to me, sometimes angrily, now whispering under your breath, about alledged mistreatment you received (also) from them. I know, I was naive and probably very self-centered, in taking so much to heart what for you was just a routine outburst.
You know, all my life, dad, I've been chasing you. Literally and figuratively. I've nurtured courage instead of impulsiveness, I've held the achievement of balance between my sensual, artistic, unconventional nature and my pragmatic and, why not? my business oriented side, as my self-mastery. How? First by studying and working in the holistic world aiming to improve my mental health and communication. Then the encounter with Judaism was instrumental, especially in shaping my ethics and how to be useful to the family. Basically I feel like that builder who turned back and got his tools, because I couldn't do anything without them.
Well, evidently I did not get to your site in time. But I got to the truth, and although it would be nice to rebuild from there between you and me, I have no illusions. I just want to do my duty without the pressure of others, and not feel guilty about being the way I am, nor hear with sorrow your complaints with a sense of helplessness because, despite my offers, you tell me that I cannot help you.
However, I want to thank you for making me feel the joy, for the first time, the other day when I phoned you with birthday wishes, of a sincere conversation. I certainly missed your invitation to come and see you, but at least it was without hypocrisy.
Neilah is the last part of the day of Kippur, the day in Jewish life when we try and render ourselves almost incorporeal, our material needs akin to those of an Angel, by only conversing and praying with God and fasting.
Neilah is that last, sweet moment of Yom Kippur when we sing to God our prayer to be inscribed in the book of life for the New Year. Tradition has us imagine that we pass this prayer through the still-open gates that God, who throughout the previous month of Elul came down from His Place to be close to us as we sought to repair the mistakes made in the past, is about to close again in returning to God self.
But if we really need it, we are still given a short time after Yom Kippur to complete our teshuvá, our return, these few days until Hoshaaná Rabbá.
I hope I am making a teshuvá that is pleasing to You, God, and return to myself. Please count me in the book of Life, and I will count myself to fulfill my reason for living, with You as my only guide. The gates are indeed closing, today I am singing my sweet Neilah!