With Sepha Kirshblum from Israel, over these days of introspection I have realized a lot about myself in relation to the Jewish concept of teshuvah, which is our highest commitment during the current month of Elul, preceding the New Year, Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, the Days of Awe toward Creation and God.
I remembered that time when I was a girl and my closest friend said to me 'Lucia, you jump into the dark without even trying to light a match.'
Teshuvá in Hebrew means 'return'. To return to one's better self, as if we have already known it. As Rabbi Menachem Creditor suggests, the shofar - the ram's horn that it is a mitzvah to blow and hear in this month of Elul - calls us back to this: it is an invitation to feel for who or what we want, individually or as a society. The shofar, in its trueness, cries out to us to return to life.
The Rabbi of the online 'Ten Minutes of Torah' explains teshuvà this way: the initial letter Tav stands for 'Tammim Tiyeh im Hashem Elohecha," where tammim stands for a simple being who does not lack intelligence yet is genuine and connected, a person who trusts. So the first step toward teshuvah is a return to our own instincts, without over-analyzing life.
In parashat Ha'azinu, Deut. 32:7-12, Moses retells how God "found us" in the wilderness: what does this mean? That God did not expect us, that we were a surprise? Indeed, this language suggests to us how a 'finding' is often not a rational and outcome-assured process, but something beyond that, which can be special and invaluable. So it can be good for us to have an authentic, wholehearted approach to God, without rationaling too much, and to open ourselves to unexpected ways of spirituality.
Thinking back, during my teenage years up until I turned 40, I could give the impression that my friend was right, that I was not afraid enough of the unknown, while sometimes still trembling . Every individual is different. I believe that I came into this world with eagerness to do and believe, and because of my nature I have taken few but significant opportunities to follow and learn from individuals in order to nurture my skills.
I was born with a simple brain structure. This has been a problem in my life only when I strayed from that original part of me and tried to please, to be approved by my parents and siblings, which required me to super rationalize.
Have I learned my lesson? Understanding that this excessive ego, this need to be recognized by everyone, is really a sign of weakness, of lack of faith in what I can and should do? I think so, and I regret having, out of confusion, failed those who really do see me as I am.
I believe the match has always been kindled, I just need to do a better job in protecting the flame.
השיבנו יהוה | אליד ונשוב חדש ימינו כקדם
Take us back, Eternal One, to Yourself, and let us renew our days as of old.
Photography: Sarà and shofar by Ariel J Friedlander