(continued)
At that point, caught up in my mother's aggravation, I made the mistake of giving myself for granted, gravitating into the complete chaos that reigned in all aspects of our lives. I had practically left London and all the value it held for me. I wanted so much to help my mother, and to that end I considered it essential to collaborate with everyone, with the skills with which I had enriched my life so far through: my long and deep experience in the field of Ayurvedic massage and spiritual awareness; the studies and activity of social care, especially towards the most vulnerable people, during the previous four years in the Jewish community of London; the immense value of the presence and love of my partner, who represented for me the precious continuity with all the above, and who inspired and supported me since my return to Modena.
Naturally I went to see my father. Some time before, I had come from London for his wife's operation; I had written to him, with no reply other than a forlorn "now what do we have left?" Seeing him tired and tried, I offered him a massage, which he refused. I told him about my conversion to Judaism... no reaction. Instead, the only conversation he made almost automatically was to feel sorry for himself and say bad things about others. I introduced him to my partner, who came from London where he had lived, and organised a birthday party for my daughter at their place: but at a certain point I ran away because he spoke badly of my sister and I couldn't stand it, also considering how much she had done for them in the recent years.
In addition to the orthopaedic pains, my mother was so distressed that I sought psychological help. Through the geriatrician, I found a studio with two young, sensitive and reassuring professionals, my sister approved and helped me to pay my share. They tried a simple family therapy with the three of us, because it was a turning point for everybody.After two sessions, my mother refused to participate anymore and I asked my sister for the two of us to continue, but she refused.
My brother's psychiatric illness was presenting more and more practical and financial issues, and as my mother and sister were expressing concern but also resignation about it, I tried to help by encouraging them to appoint an administrator from outside the family, to which they seemed opposed. In the past I had known and attended with my mother the association of families affected by mental illness "Together with us": it had been a great help for her in sharing the difficulties of the relationship with my brother, and also for the fun of the social meetings they organised. So I asked them for advice and the chairwoman explained everything to me. One very rainy day she took me by the hand, we went to the court where I gathered a few choices of professionals and brought them back to my family. In fact they chose one, they were accepted by him and they are still happy.
Since we were looking for a family assistant but my mother was against it, I went to the social services to ask for advice: it was important, at least for me, because, in front of my sister, I told the operator all about our past, informing them of the current living and health situation of my mother and brother. I was emotional, not only because of what I said, but also because of the gracious attitude of the person in front of me. She promised (and kept up with) a collaboration between them and the mental health centre, and immediately started the weekly home care service for my brother.
In the meantime I did everything I could to facilitate my mother's transition to a new organisation of space in the house.As I was about to make a deposit operation for my mother, I discovered that she and my sister had removed this possibility for me on my mother's account. My sister took it for granted that I would instantly carry out her instructions even regarding my life. Such as giving my email address to an unknown lawyer whom my father had instructed to write to my sister and me about quantifying money he gave us for our homes. To think that my father did this through an intermediary lawyer hurt me a lot; but when my sister told me that "it was better not to get in the way", the blow was even stronger: in that deadly "blender" of shouted feelings, frustrated aspirations, guilt, how could I make it clear that my search for some moral security and inner stability is essential for me for my work and to honour my parents? That my spiritual home is as fundamental to me as their elegant material homes are to them?
I made the administrator aware that my brother had no contribution rules. Having a nice flat which he was no longer using, also due to doctor's orders, my daughter and I, visiting from London, organised and carried out the material emptying of the flat (which was emotionally difficult) and the initiation of contacts and quotes to fix it up for rent as per instructions.
Once the family assistant had settled in, I moved downtown. I finally started my own practice by opening a wellness centre where I intended to offer all my expertise. At the opening, I also invited my sister and her acquaintances to whom she might desire to introduce me: someone asked her "Do you come for massages?" and she said no. My ethical wellness activity included, in addition to massage, creations, courses, conversations on topics of everyday life. I was close to the synagogue where, despite our differences, I felt welcomed from the moment I arrived in Modena. I am grateful to the Rabbi who has been a supporter of my activity, both intellectually and artistically. I thought that some events could help my sister and I to open up a glimmer of mutual recognition, not only and always linked to the bitter victimhood with authoritarian overtones with which she involved me in family duties. Only once she accepted the invitation, came with her partner, and after a few moments rushed away. He came back once, in the company of an acquaintance, and without any hesitation went and sat down at my place behind the counter, whence he pontificated!
LiOr (continued)
This is the sixth week of the Omer: Yesod is the sefira of Connectivity, Intimacy, Generativity, Foundation. The 40th day of the Omer is Hod she’be Yesod, the glory within connection. The Queen of Sheba (I Kings 10:1-12) The Queen of Sheba comes from a far land in Africa to King Solomon’s court because she has heard of the wisdom of Solomon and wants to test him with difficult questions. She arrives bringing camels, spices, gold, and jewels. She asks the king many questions, and there is nothing he does not know—she is delighted by his wisdom. It appears that the Queen of Sheba is simply curious. She hears of something extraordinary she has not seen—a wise king—and she sets out to discover whether what she has heard is true. She brings gifts from her own land and exchanges them for the gifts that Solomon gives her. Through this exchange she gains material wealth, intellectual wisdom—and perhaps a friend. The Queen of Sheba represents hod shebe'yesod—the receptivity that comes from a desire to connect. We are most like her when we are curious about the world, and when we have interest in everything around us. (https://www.ritualwell.org/ritual/omer-calendar-40)
Photo: courtesy www.esteri.it